I am the new James Blunt

James Blunt rhymes with munt

James Blunt is riding the crest of a credibility wave after his activities on Twitter. The Poke website has underscored this with its 30 Reasons Why James Blunt Won at Twitter in 2013 story, citing the singer’s deadpan, self-deprecatory put-downs. This has been a revelation to me and as such, I want to follow in Blunt’s footsteps and achieve a reputation where people will say in the street: “Wow, I really thought that Tim Bowdler was a tosser, I really did, but now I’ve been on Twitter and seen that he truly is a funny person, I not only respect him as a writer, but as a person too.”

So, in a bid to head off lieslieslies.net critics at the pass, here is a nine-point list of my pre-prepared witty ripostes that will surely deter those who seek to bully me and undermine my efforts as a highly respected writer ‘an that.

1. ‘No you are – and so’s your mum.’ (this is my favourite put-down even though I could actually point out in actual fact that I’m neither tall or a homosexual, but I thought this was funnier). RT @troll1: ‘Tim Bowdler is a big gay.’

2. ‘Yes they do.’ RT @troll2: ‘Does anyone still care about Tim Bowdler?’

3. Nobody lets me per se, I just do it of my own accord. RT @troll3: ‘Oh god… who let Tim Bowdler write another column?!’

4. ‘Whateverrrrr.’ RT @troll4: ‘Tim Bowdler is one ugly mother f*****.’

5. ‘I’m going to report you to the police. I’m serious.’ RT @troll5: ‘I want to kick Tim Bowdler… repeatedly… I dont know why’

6. ‘I think you need to get a sense of real perspective there’. (this one’s my second favourite put-down). RT @troll6: ‘Tim Bowdler is not a very good writer.’

7. ‘See, what you are saying is that I have a large penis and that is a compliment. Bet you feel stupid now.’ RT @troll9: ‘Why does Tim Bowdler write like his willy is being stood on?’

8. ‘Stick and stones, loser!!!!!!!.’ RT @troll10: ‘I cannot put into words how much I hate Tim Bowdler’

9. ‘I think that’s more than enough’. RT @liesliesliesnet ‘why you only got 120 followers?’

That’ll definitely shut the trolls up. Of course, I take all this internet stuff really seriously because it enhances my feeling of self-worth. James Blunt may be the king of the ’Twittersphere’ this year, but I am surely the Queen. (Let’s hope The Poke picks this up because they really like the funny stories about people and all that).

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